The Words She Never Said
by Moonshine79
Summary: He wasn't going to read those damn letters. He wasn't even going to pick up one and stare at the envelope. It was a part of his life, but nothing was still going to make him. Even through Rangiku's goading to lure him in it, it wasn't just possible.
1. Chapter 1

**The Words She Never Said** by Moonshine79

_Summary: He wasn't going to read those damn letters. He wasn't even going to pick up one and stare at the envelope. It was a part of his life, but nothing was still going to make him. Even through Rangiku's goading to lure him in it, it wasn't just possible. _

_It had been 5 years since. _

_Five freakin' years since he last saw her._

_At age fifteen, he was introduced to how closely shadows lurked beneath the surface. He had survived a living nightmare once unsure if he could ever do it again. Shadows that drifted past one another, intertwining moments of despair and helpless weakness into endless hours of a day. Bribes, pleas for what could not be taken back, be undone had been whimpered and then ignored._

_He had cried. _

_He knew that she was to leave, but not this soon. They shared something more than anyone could have loved, but to the way their own worlds would separate them apart was just relentless of goodbyes. A gray sky of despair had them folded in one. _

_And then she left, without another word to a place many called it unknown.._

_His world shattered. _

_Eventually everyone would be forced to pay a price. No matter how great the cost._

_And now at the age of 20, the tears would come back_

_However, he was forced not to let them fall._

It was like a reverie, draining out all of the power inside him that he has left to do work, go to school, or just the simplest things in life he has the thought of doing to get that thought out of his head. It was more than enough just to kill him with the pain, the pain of loosing her without any reason. He lost—lost a fight to convince her to stay but now that she's gone, there was nothing left to do but continuously wait. Ichigo wasn't very good in waking up early, but sulking in bed the whole afternoon wouldn't be one of his intentions to pass either.

He'd always struggled with it on and off through out the year and today was no exception. He didn't know what time it was, nor did he particularly care. He just wanted to get up, do something and let another bold Monday end. Damn University. He was enrolled in a Med School to where he was just forcibly driven by his father, notwithstanding of the fact that blood and internal organs were never even his self-passions. Ichigo opened one eye and was met with cheerful sunlight that made him slam his eye shut again. It was sunny. This meant that he should probably get up and go for a run. But instead, he picked up the pillow lying beside him and pulled it over his head, blocking out the sunlight and, hopefully the incessant knocking wind on his window, which hadn't stopped since he'd woken up. The alarm didn't trigger on, that was something new because for another authentic fact; Ichigo was never the early bird.

He was alone, in an apartment he nearly lived in for almost 3 years and his life was never the same since then. Quiet, it was always like that. A gentle breeze obscuring the proximity of things would be the only thing that ruins the peaceful structure of his view, and of the squinting of his eyes when dust would suddenly barge in from his window. Stupid Mother Nature. Nothing left him alone anymore, nothing made him think, made him work nor made him believe in the things he once did because it had all ran away from him exactly at a point of 5 years. The same year was to when she left, a time being that made him stunned by everything because just a like a newborn infant; he felt ignorant concerning everything he once had. Including her.

_It was mistake. An atonement of sin to make him live in pain_

God, why did it have to be her? This wasn't some clichéd romance that he would just constantly leave his life here in Japan where he would stop this incentive plan and run back to promise her that she would always be in his heart, he couldn't do that and he wouldn't do that. Even though he knew tomorrow and every other day was going to be like ripping something out of his chest, throwing it on the ground and stomping on it just to make sure it hurt a lot more than it should. Why did it have to be her?

He knew that he shouldn't have gotten close to her. It was more than just an accident; he allowed it to happen. He wanted it—_they_ both wanted it. Now, though he didn't want to admit it, Rukia was screwing with his head because, somehow, in the most irritatingly clichéd way ever, she'd gotten under his skin and had lodged tightly somewhere in the vicinity of his heart. Their relationship wouldn't survive what would be demanded of him in the next few months and it wouldn't survive the distance. He knew, too, that she wouldn't survive him when he didn't want her back. It was a lie.

A big fat stupid lie.

He couldn't move out of bed, yet. The morning sunshine was going to kill him like a vampire if he settled his curtains to the side of his window frame but it wasn't a part of the picture whether he even cared if he was going to be late for school or not. He just wanted to close his eyes and forget. She was right. They had spent three perfect months together. Three months where they were happy, indulgent teenagers enjoying the kind of uncomplicated love you were supposed to look back on and laugh about. Three months where she'd grown from a girl to someone on the brink of womanhood and he'd seen another option than the all-consuming duty that ruined her life. It was a command against her will, and she was eager to still obey.

All the love they had which seemed more than eternity couldn't leave him because unto now, he was still swirling with the painful gaping hole in his chest causing the void of his own emotions to be so oblivious to the scenes years ago. No matter how much he didn't want to care, no one could make him. He cared too much. Too damn much that made his love for her to not waver even more, he hoped and still did…he just couldn't overlook their past. It was a name of history.

_Forgetting is just as important as remembering. Only when the time of it is necessary, it can become more painful to do it. _

It was two words. A short phrase that got him frozen, like a record player was inside his head echoing it over and over again louder and even more intricate to accept. He didn't want to dream about it but last night's nightmare was his living inferno, a memory to remain. Forever. He could see her, Rukia Kuchiki walking away from him, his life and his world; she stepped into the wooden door that wasn't visible to normal human eyes but he saw the scene so vividly that at first he thought it was actually for real. More than just a dream, it must have been déjà vu. He knew it had happened; he just couldn't remember quite well where and when; all that mattered now was that she was gone and would never come back. The dream continued, she followed that black butterfly and stepped to the doors of heaven or merely to the world of the living souls; it wasn't such a cruel place like hell but to the way he was tearing his life apart to be away from her made it more sinful than torment. It wasn't worth forgiving, especially her.

"_I'm leaving"_

But that was all it had been. Wishing. Wishing for the time when being happy was uncomplicated and laughing wasn't hard. She'd made him happy, Ichigo remembered, she'd made him laugh and damn her for wanting him to remember that.

Damn her for making him so weak whenever the morning sun rose in the sky, he just couldn't stop thinking about it. It was all her, just Rukia and Rukia Kuchiki alone. It was more than love, he got infatuated and damn to hell for admitting he so loved the feeling. Why wouldn't it stop? Every beat of the heart got that shiver of anticipation being oh-so impatient to see her back in his house, his apartment, his life. She was just everything to him. Everything. Oh God, did he really miss her that much?

Sacrifice. Ichigo winced at the word even as how much he had sacrificed taunted him slightly. She was just part of that world that he couldn't have. His fist clenched at the thought, how much more was he going to have to sacrifice for a life only wanted by no more than a few? This was stupid. He was being an idiot. He always was.

Ichigo snapped his head around, praying that he wouldn't regret it. He needed a new mattress, he noted because this one was giving him those unbelievable strains that at night he would fiddle around in bed until he got that comfortable spot that he wanted to the point that, he gradually fell asleep soundly without any disturbance until sunrise. His eyes snapped open. For a moment, he felt disorientated. He would have to get out of bed soon, damn it. The white that the walls had been painted with was nothing more than a pristine white, medical and cold. The blue drapes that hung at his window gave him the impression that someone had decided that breaking up the white would help the room. It didn't. It had the opposite affect. They looked sad and pathetic against the emotionless white. His eyes moved from the sun shining through the dull blue drapes and found the television bolted high into one corner. This was his room, he decorated it himself and to be very frank, he sucks. Big time. However, he was a guy, what else would you expect? Everything is in place, the way he always wanted it to be.

_No one, not even a king can reset what has already been done. Past is past and the future is all that waits for us to change ourselves once more. _

He dragged his own weight to be sitting on bed; he stole at glance to his side and found his alarm clock: _8:30 am, _he was going to be late within 30 minutes but he didn't care. School or no school, he was still living his life. His own miserable life. The effort of his legs brought in his own weight when he finally decided to get up from sweet slumber, the sky from outside his glass frame illuminated nothing but the orange-pink atmospheric panorama as so what most weathermen on TV have been reporting these past few days. Sigh. Another cold one to exceed.

He went straight to the bathroom for a nice quick shower, at least let the water be cold enough for the heat of the morning to exert him goodbye. It took him a few minutes to enjoy the rushing sound of the shower stream nonetheless; it wasn't his time to be playing such childish games. Once he was all done and dressed in a record time of just ten minutes, he locked his apartment door shut and trusted his instincts to his own feet to wherever place it may take him. But particularly, he was just going to school. His jacket had most of its time hanging around his right shoulder while his hands were both comfortable inside his pant's pockets, his head was above the clouds as he sustained to realize how much a fool he must be to even believe in the wrong things _all the time. _

"_Socialism between shinigamis of our kind and with your race isn't possible. Why can't you understand that?" _

"_Because we don't need to follow such pathetic rules to get where we are now, we've came this far Rukia, so why do you still have to oblige in everything they tell you to do?" _

"_Because…when all of this comes to an end you'll soon realize how foolish you were to even believe it could ensue from the start. You knew it was some sort of crime but how could you still let it happen? Their just going to take me away from you, like what they did before" _

"_They can't do that anymore. I swore to keep you safe, to keep a place near me and I'm strong enough to fight them" _

"_That's just it. You keep promises that are not guaranteed for you to commit, you're just to sure of yourself" _

He didn't want to admit it. For Meno's sake, he didn't, but it was the truth. She was right. Goddamn it she was fuckin' right! They took her away from him, everyone he cared for slipped away in an instant even before he could digest every event that occurred. Soul Society—the place he risked his life to also protect, took away all he ever loved. They didn't even understand how it felt to be alone like he does, they didn't have a heart to understand the pain he tolerated 5 years back. He lost her, and he can't do anything to bring her back again.

It was sunny and the blue sky decorated with those white puffy clouds proved them to him. It was all his eyes could see, but inside of him; it was starting to rain once again for an endless period of flowing agony and the roaring of pain striking his ends. Zangetsu wasn't going to like it.

"Ow!" A screeching voice of a female rung in his ears. The first things he saw were the enveloped letter flying mid-air and the person holding them was on the ground, constantly rubbing her head that was bumped into his chest for comfort. She was familiar to him; the long brown hair that covered her face wasn't any stranger he would recognize just on the street but when she looked up at him with that red mark recognizable on her upper forehead, Ichigo didn't have anymore doubts.

"Matsumoto!" He sounded alarmed and reflexively offered a hand to her for support incase she wanted to stand up. It seemed hesitant for him to see Rangiku Matsumoto in the real world, in her gigai that no doubt she rented from Kisuke

"Hey there, Ichigo" She accepted his hospitable gesture and took his hand; she was on her feet again. She gave him a small smile to erase all of that confusion on his furrowed brows but it was of no use. She needed to explain things to him rationally even before her taichou would suspect a thing about her absence

"What are you doing here?" He quivered as he knelt down on the ground picking up all four envelopes and handing them back to her, she wasn't going to accept them but she still had to. She decided knowing of his stay here in the human world was well first even before she would break to him the big news. She thanked him for the action and hugged the letters to her chest tightly.

"I'm sorry, my visit here was unexpected but that was my intention. How are you doing Ichigo?"

He studied her a few moments before answering, 5 years and still nothings changed about her, or maybe just except that her chest grew a lot bigger than before but he was a gentleman to not stare. His eyes came to hers and his shoulders shrug, "I'm ok"

"That's good" She took note of the monotone in his voice, he wasn't the energetic substitute shinigami she knew before. He had changed.

"I can't chat for long Matsumoto, I'm late for class maybe you could reschedule your visit some other time instead"

He walked passed her and the words she wanted to say were gripped tight in her throat that it had to be forced to come out. She constricted the letters in her hands that it almost was crumpled; she couldn't afford to let him get away. This is a huge mission for her; a favor one of her closest friends asked her to do and she was going to do it. The trip was going to be worth it, her intentions weren't going to be wasted.

"Wait" He stopped and she turned around to see his clothed back facing her, "I need to talk to you. It's important"

"If this is about one of those laws that I—"

"No it's not, it's about Rukia"

His eyes shot wide open. This was the first time in years he ever heard her name again from another person's lips, after the incident, he didn't even have the urge to pronounce her out loud unless it was necessary. The hands on his side were clenched and his veins heated, it was a thought whether he needed to hear this one out or not. He faced her.

"I wouldn't think it's worth my time"

She was bewildered, "What? But this is about _Rukia_, of course it's worth your time"

"That was 5 years ago, not now" His amber irises didn't reveal anything his whole body would feel, he did the best he can to remain them impassive and luckily to Matsumoto's eyes, they weren't readable at all.

"She wanted to give you something, and I have to talk to you Ichigo. Pls" She begged

He couldn't give in to her like that, no he couldn't.

"I wo—"

"It's a request. From Rukia herself"

His mouth was still ajar but closed it shut after what she said. There was no compromise to this however, when his eyes laid upon the notes she had been holding for a while, it made him changing his mind. For a brief moment in his head, he knew he couldn't refuse but once he agreed to all of it; he was going to regret it immediately. He shut his eyes tight and had been considering, just because he left him 5 years ago doesn't mean he stopped loving him since then. They cherished their relationship more than no one in the world would even understand and he needed to be honest, he missed her. He really missed her. He missed her everyday of his life, when he woke up in the morning his thoughts were directly diverted to hers, whenever one of his professors explained an extremely dull tutoring session, his mind clouded up images of her. Whenever he did nothing and would just sit at home idly at his sofa, he remembered everything they did. He just couldn't forget her. He fuckin' missed her so much.

He looked at the letters Matsumoto was holding and came to the instance he spoke up his answer. She smiled and the next thing he knew they were in a café, sitting across each other at the booth by the window just watching the passers by occupying the view of their eyes. He sipped his coffee and just purposefully ignoring the fact that the notes were sitting in front of him, waiting to be torn from it's luggage and needy to be read. Rangiku didn't tore away her eyes from him until he was convinced to take one, at least just one, and read it until he was enticed to finished all of them. However, he was being stubborn about it so she would wait not caring if her captain was charging this way with Hyounimaru and spotted her here and dragged her ass back to Seiretei frozen in an ice cube, she needed to complete the job, as it had to be done.

No one spoke. The place they were staying at seems deserted and there were only like four customers, but someone had to ruin the serene impression.

"Will you—"

"I don't know" He replied curtly and she wondered if the curtness was coming from shock or from something that ran much deeper.

"Look, I know it was hard for you to accept the fact that she left but it's been years since that happened and you must accept it already. You're a man of your age Ichigo, I know that your type is the one to not just likely give up with a tissue box by his side whenever he cries. You must give this a chance"

She spoke most insight for a woman of her class; it was really a change in her after so long, it was like something made her that way but Ichigo couldn't revise to the way things were when he was back in high school. Should he give it a chance?

"How are you so sure that these are for me anyway?" he asked calmly and Rangiku scowled at him.

"Their letters from Rukia, I just read one because I found them at her room under the table and it seems like their all for you. She told me to give it to you, at least a piece of her memory to remain here in Karakura City"

"Then why wouldn't she give them to me herself instead?" Ichigo snapped out the words before stalking with his eyes one of the servers who served ice tea to one of the other remaining customers in the café. Then, he looked at her again

She stared after his friend for a moment and then, shaking his head in part amusement, part sympathy, she spoke "She can't leave because of her condition. She's badly wounded from a mission she and Ukitate-taichou attended to. Therefore, now that they all succeeded in the task their repayment is little chances of recovery. Unohana is doing everything she can alongside with the 4th division to aid their entire squad"

"She's injured?" it seemed like an idiotic question to his own ears but it also seemed unacceptable. A simple nod to his response was all he needed to be sure that it was true.

Though she doubted Ichigo realized it by now, she knew that he was going to read those letters partly because he was curious and partly because she'd written them. She didn't know how she knew, she just did because this concerned Rukia Kuchiki, the one woman who ruined his life and the only one to amend it for him again.

The pain in his eyes were evident as he tore them away from hers and looked to the side, facing the window looking to a far away place in the sky. She felt his pain, because when she saw his amber orbs swirling with the regret he dealt with years ago, it was almost as if she could feel the same thing. He just wished those stupid letters weren't so desperate to be in need of his eyes to be read quickly because, he wouldn't try to pick them up and take them home. He was just going to leave them there and wait for anyone to put them in the trash.

"I know how much you hated to see her go, but she explained it from the start that it wasn't going to happen with orders from Seiretei stopping from doing what you both wanted. But I'm begging you now to just read them"

"No" he replied quite bluntly and Rangiku's frown grew deeper. Making that beautiful face so pained.

"Why not?"

He looked at her. A look that no words had to be said. He didn't have to give his reasons, he just didn't want to; although if he was decisive to not answer her question, the stillness wrapping them together would lead this conversation to nowhere.

"She could have visited me here, at least just 3 times a year to let me know that she's fine but why didn't she? She's making me wait for something that I know wouldn't happen again but I can't stop hoping. Why would she even forget?"

There was something quietly desperate about his tone that had her pausing. Looking down, she caught a glimmer of tears and swore quietly under her breath. The tears were coming back.

"She didn't forget. She could do anything in the world except for that, it's only the orders from Seiretei that stops her. She speaks of you everyday and I hear out to her every word, you have no idea how she's going insane just waiting to see you again. She misses you so much"

"That's not true" Ichigo shook his head in denial and Rangiku sighed in frustration, "If she did miss me then she wouldn't care about this stupid rules, she'd still come back. When did she ever value these things more than me?"

It was greed. She knew it, he didn't think of the other innocents whom needed her term in Seiretei as well. He was a selfish prude. "It's a duty. She's served her life on the line so many times but that doesn't mean you're nothing to her. You are her life, Ichigo. Another world needs her out there too; you're an intelligent boy to understand that"

Frowning now, Ichigo hated that the thought made so much sense. Before he really thought about what he was doing, his hand was slowly going to grab one and tore it away from it's seal but he just couldn't dare. He stopped with his motives, and placed his hand back to him where it should have stayed all along. It was predictable when he heard the female sighing desperately for him; he wasn't going to be easily convinced. She left him for just work, what made him think that he would give her an opening of her presence? It wasn't going to happen, he just couldn't.

Not now at least. Damn him.

"If you don't have the purpose to read just one then just let me read them out for you instead" She was already reaching for one envelop when suddenly an absolute threat left Ichigo's lip making her hand to instinctively fall back to her sides again.

"No don't read them!" He snatched the letter Rangiku had the intention to pick up before he could really think about what he was doing. She smirked slightly at the reaction before nodding and watching as Ichigo placed all of them into his jacket's hidden pocket inside. It was victory.

He saw the triumph dancing in her eyes. He was screwed. Big time.

"Aha, you _do _care about the letters"

"It's not like that Matsumoto…it's just, their private. I don't want anybody meddling with them"

"Riiiiight…."

It was a teasing tone. But there was nothing he could do to make her stop except if he only flawed to agree to take them home and scan them with his eyes one by one. Oh forget that, she wouldn't be there to make sure he just read them right? So he would leave them alone on his coffee table and just slump back in bed and sleep for the whole afternoon until tomorrow's morning sun came. Forget about school, it wasn't even much of a priority to him anymore. He just wanted them gone and out of his life. It would be hell if even tore it open.

"Just tell me you won't throw them away, it's expected that you won't read them right now so keep them in a box or something but don't throw it. It's important to you and to her, to the both of you. Give it some time; it'll come to your senses" Rangiku's voice snapped him out of his thoughts and Ichigo's head snapped around to look at her and he frowned. This was totally not working for him

"Yeah, yeah I will" He wasn't sure if he was telling the truth or a lie. Most probably to his mind, he would be lying but somewhere in his heart, he wouldn't be going anywhere unless it would be forgiving of him to redeem the thought.

"You changed her; a great deal that no one had ever seen it coming. It's an amazing contemplation once you think about it in a sense. It'll heal, don't worry"

"Don't give me shit" He shot at her, his voice like ice, his eyes reaching a level of coolness that no one, not even Byakuya, could reach. She merely raised her eyebrows at him, waited for something more and when it didn't come, she decided to dig a little deeper.

"You just miss her, I know you do. We all do" She spat at him, the tiniest of trembles entering her voice and her eyes flashed with triumph as she watched the last thread holding him together, the last seal on the box, strain and quiver, needing only one more taunt, one more barb, to break.

He cursed a little louder than expected that had her quite surprised but faking it on the demeanor that it wasn't sudden for him to occasionally do. She just acted along with the circumstance. Kurosaki was definitely going to give in.

"Screw you"

She just smiled

"I know what you're going through Ichigo"

"No you don't"

"Don't underestimate me," every word spoke fierce as she shifted in her seat and didn't break any eye contact that was possible, "Just because I am a loveless woman to your eyes doesn't mean I'm stupid whenever times like these come out of hand. I've got more knowledge to it father than anyone else in Gotei 13. If love is, what you really feel for her then distance is only set within the mind, not in the heart. How could you accuse her that she ceased to remember your existence? You know her for being just that."

He watched as success flashed through her eyes and knew that she was positive she'd regained control of what was happening, regained control of those struggling emotions. He wasn't about to let that happen, she was going to snap whether she liked it or not. Partly because of her own selfishness, she wanted to see what was underneath that sunny exterior, wanted to see the other, darker side of Ichigo Kurosaki and partly because she figured he needed to, needed to snap to settle his own demons. Aside from being part hollow inside him, there was more to him than a monster. He was made of that for a reason and to an extent, Rangiku knew he was a man full of words. He just wanted to hide away his own voice, hide it to where no one could hear—not even his own conscience would, unless he allowed.

"How are you even sure Matsumoto? You know nothing about what happened to _us_. Nil nada. For a woman with your….structure, I still find it hard to believe that no one still wants you" He said it casually, neutrally, the barely there hint of amusement the arrow that penetrated the tightly controlled exterior that had been in the process of sliding back into place. And she glared at him, went to hit something and stopped.

It was insulting. More than an insult actually, for the one man she least expected to be impenetrable this way for hurting her more than anyone else in the world compared to a bankai attack from one of the captains to strike her from just one hit. She has never been this disappointed. His cheek was stinging within a second of the last word leaving his mouth. She stared at him, waiting for his retaliation, waiting for some kind of anger and instead was rewarded with a smirk and knew, _knew_, that he'd only said it to get a reaction. _That_ reaction. She taunted, tossing her shoulder length hair over her shoulder as she glowered at him. The smile he gave was as taunting as it was dangerous and Rangiku barely trembled, her eyes blazing angrily as he stared back at her, blandly amused.

"Now you know the feeling of my pain. Did I hurt you?"

"Yes, very." It got him to place on a ridiculous smile, "You freakin' jerk" she barely whispered it, didn't think he'd hear it, the emotions inside her screaming so loudly she wasn't sure they were only heard by her or not. It was not the intimacy to his emotions because the pain he felt was far different to hers. Way TOO far. Just completely insulting her to the very ends of her core.

He'd laugh it off if he even dared, but looked upon it to be so cruel because this was not who he was. He never came to insult anybody else except for Renji, now that he sure to make Matsumoto cry in front of him when there were other people around; it was going to be another problem. God, he was a fool.

"The pain you feel is vastly different from the kind you just gave me. It was a degree of insult while yours was just a loss of love, so how would that be the same pain you wish for me to have? Are you this desperate are you just plain stupid as Rukia says you are?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to let it go that far, I wasn't myself. I only wanted to let you know that poking your nose into other people's business is quite a nerve and I had to stop you somehow"

"Then just tell me off, you know how bad it is for me to be mistreated like a pest"

"I didn't think it would be enough to just tell you. I needed other strategies and this was the best I could come up with, I hope you aren't deeply snubbed"

"So you chose to pay me back with my own medicine, how fortunate"

His irises were impassive, she wasn't worth the show of what he felt right now. He just wanted to keep them to himself for the meantime until the wounds he earned from the past mended; besides of those scars, he gained from battle physically the injuries he was most probably speaking of were of those he felt emotionally. But doing something wrong to just get somebody to stop wasn't the right choice, it hadn't been a rational action…it was just intended for his own welfare. His eyes narrowed at the patronizing anger in her voice. He _hated_ being patronized. She let out a bitter laugh as he watched the anger cool slowly and her voice lowered.

"You seem to make people alter in very strange ways but I can't be entirely mad at you because maybe I did need that kind of treatment to make me…different. But still, it was a stupid technique. Very stupid and unethical"

The air that suffocated them seemed to be all demure, but now that he crossed his limits, their relationship of just being friends wasn't going to be the same as it was before. He had ruined it, however not entirely which was still a good thing for him. He could see her struggling even before she realized she was, see those emotions winning even before she realized she was losing. He didn't move, didn't reply, only watched as a different kind of anger bubbled up inside her. He watched in pure fascination as she struggled for another moment, she wasn't going to last on how far she could smother that boiling range she still kept within. Nonetheless, it wasn't one of her predominant character to act out what she currently felt; she'd been aloof of her actions since then.

"I'm a very complicated person Matsumoto, so you've figured"

"Yes I have actually. From the moment I met you I instantly knew, you don't need to tell me that, thinking I am very dense even if I appear to be so…stupid in your eyes"

"I didn't say you were stupid. Just tactless is all, I hope you find my words non-offensive because that is what I intend for you"

She gave him a heart-filled smile, one that was actually honest, for which he knew "You never fail to amaze me Ichigo and a main stream of the captains as well. You are complicated yet, still intriguing to whatever circumstance we may come to. It's an honor to have met a warrior of your kind, very honored"

"I'm not a king to be praised but it is heartwarming to hear your words. Thanks"

"No big deal"

After a few jiggles of conversations, the sun had parted the day and they had numerous of topics discussed over a plate of scrumptious biscuits, cakes and tea and when it was time for her and him to return home; that giddy feeling he felt inside all throughout the afternoon subsided quickly went he went home for the latter. He skipped school today, which he did over a million times whenever he felt too discouraged to learn so it wasn't something to regret most of the week about, there was always tomorrow after all. But still not enough for him to mend. While walking down the road, he felt a sudden bump inside his pocket so his first option was to inspect it out—although it wasn't the smartest thing do, because when he saw those 4 sealed papers in his jacket hanging right inside his clothing; it got his stomach to turn right upside down and the scowl had returned to the straightening of his lips, which was now in a curve of pure disappointment. Shit. Why the hell did he even pick them up from the table and put them in there in the first place anyway? He should have let Mastumoto have them to return it to her but now that they were walking back home with him, there was no other escape. Shit. Shit. Shit.

"What the heck does she think am I going to do with this?" He muttered scathingly to himself. He turned around to see a trash bin or even just anywhere to put them away for good. _It's important to you and to her, to the both of you. _God, he didn't need her words right now. Speak to him later but goddamit not now!

He closed his eyes for a brief moment thinking about the guilt that would divulge him into a monster of regret however, even he did throw them away here on the very ground where he was breathing his own soul on; it was without a doubt that he would come back running here in his pajamas notwithstanding the fact if it was midnight or not, just to have them back. Fuck that. He couldn't do it, oh man he couldn't. What a wimp.

Don't go down that path Ichigo, he told himself firmly. He turned his mind away from it, knowing that if he questioned what he was doing now; his thoughts were going to go around in circles. Instead, his thoughts immediately returned to her.

The thought scared him more than he should and because he was making excuses, he pushed away that notion. He was nearly twenty for God's sake and he was worried about how integral a girl was to his life. He shouldn't be worried about something like that. His whole world should be focused on the fact that he was only one more achievement away from graduating with reputation, one win away from proving to himself and to everyone else that he could do it. He could be one of the greats and he could do it with hard work, pain and forgo.

She was one sacrifice he couldn't seem to push out of his mind. One sacrifice that he couldn't push from his mind when he wanted to. She was stuck there, immovable, and he wished to God that it had been what he'd told himself at the end. He wished that it really was just a summer fling. One that was harmless enough and left no scars that threatened to open whenever the subject turned to her.

It was just a piece of paper with scribbles written all over with over chic hand writing whom he'd recognize for the millions of years to come because it was hers. And hers alone. A single note never left a person harmed right? So what was there to even loose? It wasn't like it was the past would murder him with a knife stabbing across his chest and left his body cold until his soul met her being again; I mean, only a moron had ever thought about that. But what bothered him to the very depths of his soul, was her memory he'd soon be grieving for all over again. He never forgot, nor did she but it wasn't believable to him when Matsumoto said she didn't because if she _really _didn't then why hasn't she returned from her position as Ukitate's vice-capt instead of making him wait for something for an implausible 5 years? It was just a game. Stupid, stupid game.

And if she wanted to pretend that he had forgotten about her then he'd play along as well, it would be a war of the unforgettable.

_Next chappie: _

_For a moment he only stared at the white envelope with his name written on the front in her neat handwriting._

_Taking a deep breath, he flipped it over and slid his finger under the flap. Pulling it open, he pulled out two lined sheets and unfolded them. Picking up his beer, Ichigo took one large gulp before setting it back down and beginning to read the letter._

_Dear Ichigo…_


	2. Chapter 2

Ichigo had to escape from them. Tempting as they were, he had to just run away and leave them. He'd gone for a run, had a shower and then tried to distract himself with the play station before trying to unpack some of the boxes.

He'd given up midway through the afternoon and had stared at the ceiling until he had decided to give into his craving for a beer.

Now there they were, sitting tauntingly in front of him, forcing him to relive every single moment of the relationship that had been ended for good the minute she'd let her insecurities take a hold of her after their final argument. He didn't want to open them; he didn't want to know what she had written, if they were written over time or if they were written all at once.

"Screw it." He muttered under his breath. It couldn't hurt to read one. Just one. To see what one of the letters were about. To see what was written on the pages.

Setting his beer down on the scarred table, Ichigo reached over hesitantly and pulled the box over to him.

Remembering what Matsumoto had said about starting at the top. He kept them inside a box, tied tightly enough for him to resist it. To make the past only a memory to him but their memories could possibly be inside it. He shouldn't let it go so quickly yet. Damn. Ichigo flipped open the lid. Staring down at the first envelope, he cautiously reached down and slid it out from under the string that tied the bundle together and pulled it out of the box.

For a moment he only stared at the white envelope with his name written on the front in her neat handwriting.

Taking a deep breath, he flipped it over and slid his finger under the flap. Pulling it open, he pulled out two lined sheets and unfolded them. Picking up his beer, he took one large gulp before setting it back down and beginning to read the letter.

_Dear Ichigo…_

_I'm sure you have realized that it's been 5 years already since we last saw each other. I hope you still remember how I look though, I'm still 4'11 tall so don't worry. I haven't changed physically but I'm guessing you have except for your hair, unless you dyed it black this time. I hope you didn't, orange just suits you fine. It's what attracted me most about you so just stay who you are. I'm writing inside my room in the Kuchiki manor and it's where I've been staying since I left home, meaning Karakura. It was that night where you just walked out because you were too upset with me and I understand that, but that wasn't was I was asking. _

_Do you still remember that night? _

_I know that's probably not what you expected from this letter, which is why I'm going to wait to give it to you. But I don't think I'd be able to give to you personally anytime soon yet, I don't think it's sunk in for you or me. I know when I bring this up, when I point out to you that we're not going to survive after we leave this cocoon of safety that you're going to argue with me. That we're probably going to have our biggest argument yet and while I know it's coming, I don't want our friendship ruined by a fight about whether we can survive what's coming. You only didn't give me a chance to tell you why I really had to leave that night; you really need to take some anger management classes you know that? I hope someone had already told you that besides me. _

_I want you to remember what came before tonight. What happened when we first met, do you remember? I saw the determination in your eyes on how you wanted to save Karin and Yuzu from that hollow and I began to think that, if any man could risk it all for me just to keep me alive like you would with your family, then I know to myself that he's the one. I'd never let him go no matter what happens. I wanted someone to make me feel special, treat me like I'm someone who's alive and not as a dead spirit. I still have feelings you know and I got the chance to see that in you when you saved me before the minute of execution along with our friends, how you stood there in front me with a cape being superman and telling me that you'd save my ass from hell. I have to say, I was pissed at first because you didn't listen to me but you only proved something that time and I didn't want to believe it because it was so cliché but I'd face it somehow. You'd risk everything for me just like your sisters. I actually meant something to someone and out of all people, it had to be you. I figured that you weren't ever going to be interested in me after that first meeting because of the major commotion I've caused you guys. But you proved me wrong, so wrong. _

_I don't quite understand how you managed to do it Ichigo, I think it was the first time you and I ever had a serious conversation that I knew this was something different. I wasn't so shy around you and I'm always so comfortable. But even the shyness and comfort was eclipsed by what you made me feel. Butterflies, sparks, a rush of teenage hormones. All those made you so very different and then, somehow, I found that those feelings had combined into that all encompassing feeling of love. I was in love with you and, to my surprise; I found that you were in love with me too. _

_That's when I knew I wanted to take away from the time I was still stationed as shinigami in Karakura after the winter war. I wanted to take away the months we were together and in love. __I don't know if it was the real love that everyone talks about or wishes for, but what I know is that those months were so real for me. Especially when you kissed me for the first time, it was just you and me, with the full moon lighting us as you kissed me on that shoreline, with the water making the soothing sound as it lapped against the shore. You were happy and I was happy and I know you'll never forget that either._

_I wanted to take it with me when I leave because I already told you that it wasn't suppose to be forever, it wasn't even supposed to happen but who could fake it? We saw it coming; we knew how we felt so why pretend that it wasn't even there when it really was. That night when I tried to break up with you, I knew you'd be stubborn to listen but I did that because I didn't want you to get hurt as much as you already were at that time. We kept out relationship a secret from our friends but eventually, they'd still find out and they did. So would Soul Society, so I had to do something to keep you safe. They won't approve of us Ichigo, you know that and if they knew, they'd take me away like last time being far away from you and I can't take that. I don't want any boundaries, I want to be free. I'm not perfect Ichigo, I still make mistakes and I made a huge one when I left that night but I only wished that you listened for what I had to say. _

_People forget what you say, and people forget what you do, but people never forget how you made them feel. I love you Ichigo, you made me feel that and I'm never going to forget it. I hope that you never forget that I made you feel love too; I hope that no matter what you forget, you never forget we loved each other._

_Rukia_

_

* * *

_

_Present Time- Soul Society _

"Did you give him the letters?" she asked softly and was amused when Matsumoto jumped as high as drink would make her drunk than ever.

"Yeah. He seemed reluctant at first but you know how I do things" she said and Rukia glanced at the brightly lit house behind her and, much to Matsumoto's surprise, seemed to deflate slightly. She turned back to her and Matsumoto waited for her to speak as she sunk herself with more wine

"Nii-sama's here already. It's been months since he came home, it's a surprise to have him here without any notice" Rukia said and Matsumoto turned back to her, grinning as she took a sip from her drink.

"They've been on that mission for months now. Your brother's been pretty busy, I'm glad he still finds some time for you despite the hollows" She said casually and nearly choked on a laugh when Rukia choked on her drink at her sentence.

She narrowed her eyes at her making a face that was no doubt Matsumoto could ever understand. Though she was vice captain, she barely understood anything with alcohol around, "Time? He hardly even has any for himself. What more of his adopted sister? I'd take it as a miracle if he suddenly asks me out on a picnic with just the two of us together"

"It's possible, if Ichigo can do it then why not Byakuya? Men are still peoples too" Matsumoto saw her eyes brighten considerably at her words and wondered why they had such an effect on her when all she had done was save her the embarrassment of explaining herself.

She knew that everyone was worried about Rukia and she honestly wished that they wouldn't. She supposed telling them to not worry about her was asking a bit much, seeing as she had left him and she had simply pushed on with work and being a shinigami and ignored the fact that she had stopped going back to the home they had somehow made in the craziness that was their life before she'd upped and left.

It hadn't been a normal response to something that was ultimately devastating, especially seeing as he didn't know why Rukia had left. She had been told by her brother that she should have been tormented, demanding and emotional not collected, silent and blank.

"I wouldn't be surprised." Rukia said and for a moment it was silent and Matsumoto, instead of looking at the girl in front of her, glancing upwards towards the inky black sky. The breeze stirred again and she was once again assaulted with her smell. Strawberry. It was the one thing that made her felt connected to him; everything about that piece of fruit could will herself to move even without him physically with her because the significance of it was just enough.

"Why didn't you give it to him yourself? Wouldn't that make things better for the both of you since this brawl is going nowhere for the past 5 years?"

Rukia looked at her as if she said anything sincere. She was right, if she gave them herself despite of her injuries in the last mission weeks ago, she could control that pain then the one she'd been trying to suppress inside her little sealed box filled with letters. There were still tons of them inside her room but if Ichigo decided to read them all, it'll only make their past haunt him, making him guilty.

"It isn't a brawl Matsumoto", she tried to say "I'm sure his anger would divulge once he starts to read what I have to say. We're only…misunderstanding that's all"

"Same thing. You guys are being nitwits. No pun intended" She nearly winced at her lame attempt to lighten the mood and was glad that Rukia laughed at her. And looked at her to why she was laughing even though Matsumoto wouldn't laugh at it herself

"I'm only being stupid about this. Ichigo's the very first guy I've really loved and those months we spent that I thought would be forever just…slipped away. And I made that happen, I ended what we once cherished together and I'm totally fucking myself for it. I'm just more of an idiot than he is. I shouldn't cry over him anymore, it's been years and I'm a Kuchiki, I can't go sentimental" Rukia shook her head, not knowing what to say and ignoring the quiver in her voice as she felt the truth strike deep. It was like the first time, it really hurts.

"Isn't awkward for us to be talking about this when you're already—"

"Don't bring it up, Matsumoto"

"But—"

"Just don't. It's hell enough that I have to handle another dilemma" There was no curiosity in her voice as she stated the fact and Rukia felt annoyance at it even as she shook her head.

"Technically, it's not your fault. You could've only talked about it first with your brother before he decides to make you a wife to a person you utterly have no idea about. Marriage is for lovers, not strangers" Matsumoto corrected and she only raised an eyebrow, as if she was stating something she already knew and Rukia found that she probably did know. There was something about her that told her she didn't miss any minute detail_._ It felt weird to her that she was having this conversation with someone who's already drunk but made complete sense in the end.

"I still know one thing about him" Rukia said with little pride knowing she still had little knowledge

"And that he's a noble like you, right?"

"At least not adopted" It was evenly said, coolly dismissed and the brunette only lifted a brow.

She'd settled in. It had been difficult at first, her stubbornness, tenaciousness and honesty hadn't made it easy for people to get close or for her to let someone in. But when Rangiku Matsumoto, vice captain of the 10th division and seductive brunette, had announced that they were going to be good friends, Rukia had gone with the flow. She actually felt like someone understood her and she did. She really does. "You're demented. You don't even love him. You love Ichigo, still. So why are you letting other people control your life? You're the girl who freakin' has the will and the body to do so"

"Are you drunk already?" Rukia asked oddly

"I think so, I feel a bit woozy. Why?"

The straight line curled on Rukia's face when she considered Rangiku already to be even if she didn't know herself, "You speak…not like you at all. I'm not used to it"

"Drink with me more often then you'll see why everyone wants to be my drinking buddy. It's really fun, I promise"

"Whatever"

A Kuchiki. That's what she has always been and she'd been proud. Admiring her brother, she strived to be stronger, better and articulate in everything but drinking in the middle of the night slipped away all those ideas in her head. Other things were much important to her and it included her betrothal to a man she had no clue about and that was just stupid. She was stupid. Her constant feelings to this person compared nothing to what she had for Kurosaki Ichigo, and practically to her, he was her everything. Inoue's and Ichigo's relationship only lasted one month, but that month was the worst time for Rukia She had to see them making out in the corridors of school, she had to hear how excited he explained to their friends the last date he'd had with Inoue, she had to hear how one of three words that left Ichigo's mouth was "Inoue" for sure.

It all happened before they even started to be together and it was Rukia's most hated inferno.

And still that wasn't the worst; the worst part was the fact that they weren't talking at all.

She began to ignore him – he didn't look for her.

He was too absorbed in his new relationship that he forgot everything about Rukia; maybe she was the one to blame because she was the one ignoring him, but still he, as her best friend, shouldn't have been more interested in what was wrong? Shouldn't have he asked her what the fuck her problem was?

Yes he should have.

No he didn't.

Things changed when he realized that he couldn't talk with his girlfriend, or with anyone for that matter, in the same deep way he talked with her; there were no secrets with Rukia, because she knew him better than himself. With her around, he could talk about whatever he wanted or needed to talk about because she always listened to him; it wasn't an effort for her though, she was more than pleased to be the shoulder where he could cry on, the owner of the arms that could envelope him making him feel better in no time, the one that always knew what to say for him to feel okay again.

"So…" Matsumoto's voice mused lightly and Rukia was silent as the thoughts still rendered with her, "What are you going to do about it now? After he reads those letters, he'll just keep them inside a box like you did and everything will end there"

"You're right," She nodded, as though the seriousness of the issue could not be expressed enough, "It'll end there and he'll start to forget everything again. It's better that way. It's been 5 years, we can't go back to what we've once been because this is what I'm meant for, I'll always be just be a dead spirit and him, a human as long as he gets. It's all behind us now"

"Are you serious about this Rukia? Are you willing to marry the guy?"

She nodded. That was all Matsumoto needed for an answer, she knew that Rukia was brilliant in everything but not so brilliant when a certain orange-haired man screwed in her mind and dug deep within her heart.

* * *

_Present Time- Karakura Town_

Ichigo couldn't believe the memory of it anymore. Blowing out a breathe he settled the letter back inside the box and vaulted his back to the couch, positioning his body to a much more comfortable position. He remembered that last night too clearly to deny the fact that the love they had for each other hadn't ended up haunting them.

It had. It had haunted them for nearly 5 years and damned if he hadn't wanted to throw it away when he was fifteen and never think of it again. It was just his hard luck that she had stayed in his mind for five years, his hard luck that their lives had become intertwined over and over again as they moved forward into the people they were today. It was just his hard luck that she had upped and left him just as he'd finally thought they'd come to the end of their saga.

It was his hard luck that this box of letters sat in front of him, telling him her side when all he wanted to do was forget. He grabbed his beer and took another gulp, savoring its taste as the liquid melted into his mouth. He'd read one letter. Wasn't that enough? Did he need to read the rest and find out what her eighteen year old self had thought? What her twenty year old self thought? There was no doubt there was one of those, Ichigo thought with a smirk. Even he remembered what had happened when she was twenty.

Did he want to remember the years between then and now, reading as her feelings changed and she became the person she was today?

Even as his head told him to go to bed, to shut off for more than a couple of hours, he was taking another swig of his beer and sitting back down in the chair he'd left only minutes ago. He knew it was bad idea to read another one. He was well aware that it would probably do more harm than good in the long run but Ichigo couldn't help it.

Because if the letters were the only thing he had left of her then he had to know if the answer to living him were in there somewhere. He needed to have something of her left. Something he could take out and read once in a while even as he wandered.

"You have got to be out of your mind, Kurosaki" He muttered scathingly to himself. Taking another sip of beer, he slid the first letter back into its faded envelope and then carefully placed it face down on the table.

Reaching for the next one, Ichigo took it out. He noted that it was as old as the first one and the edge of the envelope had been worried a bit, like someone had bent and unbent it while thinking. Smiling slightly as he imagined her doing that, Ichigo opened the envelope and pulled out another two pages of writing. Taking a deep breath, he unfolded the pages and began to read.

_Dear Ichigo…_

_

* * *

_

**It's been so long since I last updated! There are parts in this chapter that I've removed and saving it for the next one instead. There ARE grammatical errors, I just know it and I'm leaving it up to YOU with the constructive criticisms. It'll sure help me a lot to improve! **

**So please do leave me A REVIEW. They mean a lot. **

**Thanks! **

**Moonshine79 **


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